I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
