You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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