i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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