im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
