When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
