Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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