i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize