I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
