Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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