he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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