i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
