marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
