Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
