My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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