i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize