Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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