I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
