Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
