I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
