meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
