Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
