dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
