all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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