Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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