in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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