if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
