She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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