It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
