I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
