I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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