Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize