My nipple is on Facebook.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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