I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize