The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
