did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize