I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
