Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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