Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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