OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
