Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
