He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
