i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
