I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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