I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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