I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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