Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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