Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
