I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
