he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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