Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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