I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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