____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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