Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
