You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
