i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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