So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
