Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
