Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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