this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
